Wednesday, April 29, 2015

National Poetry Month Day #28 The Myth of Conception

We are the result of a hero’s quest
The biology books seem to tell us
The product of one single conqueror sperm
Leaving millions of also-rans jealous
An alpha-male gamete that outran the rest
Stormed the castle, and brought things to term.


It’s a well crafted hero myth--still, it’s a myth
And the actual story is more strange:
Gametes that collaborate get to be born
(Versed in the language of protein exchange);
Swap ions to activate each other with,
Sharing all things in order to spawn.


It was working together that made me and you--
Well, that, and a few trillion bacteria too
 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

National Poetry Month Day #18: Biochemistry Haiku

I shall wear my benzene ring:
It resonates with
Antici - say it! - pation

National Poetry Month Day #17: Subtitled Movie Night

The arms wave in slow motion
As the bucket-headed victim bumps the lake bed,
Head first,
In the underwater garden of the bucket heads.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

National Poetry Month Day 16: Logical Limerick

I'm a logical man blowing smoke
And giving some brain cells a poke
What you get's metaphorical
When you take a rhetorical
Question and cross with a joke.

Friday, April 17, 2015

National Poetry Month Day #15: Pleased to Meet You

I’m the saboteur who slipped the fly into your ointment
I was the man on the grassy knoll
I’m the engineer of your every disappointment
I’m the chunk of grit inside your breakfast roll
Every time you slip up on the steps to your apartment
I’m the one who placed that patch of black ice for your shoe
When your promotion went to that young dunce in your department
I’m the one who shredded all the paperwork from you.
Every time you lose your purse, your keys, or peace of mind
Look no further for a culprit: I’m the one you’ll find
I helped out the Nazis during World War Two in Sweden
You’ll never see the Antichrist and me in the same room
I was the serpent in the Garden of Eden
In the Land of Oz, you’ve seen my flying monkeys, and my broom
Every time your miss your bus on a cold and dismal day
I’m the one who hacked the weather app on your smartphone
And wound the driver’s clock ahead to speed him on his way
And you thought it was sunny and you left your coat at home.
I do research all day long and lie awake at night to scheme
Of yet more ways to make your waking hours a bad dream.
Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of cruel taste and growing wealth
I’m the man who sold the world the Elf on the Shelf
And a billion other ways to ruin your health:
I designed the DMV
The IRS, CCTV,
Those leaky cups that spill your tea
Deficiencies in Vitamin B
Each ozone-pounding CFC
Billy Ray Cyrus (and Miley)
That car ahead doing 23
Your own car’s lowest MPG
The pundits on Fox News TV
Star Wars (Episodes I through III)
Who’s behind all that? It’s me!
Every time you feel like balling up an angry fist
Direct your punch at me ‘cause it’s the reason I exist.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

National Poetry Month Day 14: Big words are sexy


Big words are sexy

I called her callipygian today
It gobsmacked her; she didn't know what to say
She showed decolletage
That was awfully large
To thank me in an ostrobogulous way

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

National Poetry Month - Day 13: Name Dropping

Name Dropping
A game of two truths and a lie

1.
Fifteen years--no, more--ago, I Googled Roger Ebert.
I found his email link, so I wrote to him
To ask him what his favorite search site was.
He replied that Metacrawler did the trick for him.

Oh, and please don't use this email link to contact me again.

2.
Quincy Jones once looked me right in the eyes.
This was not a good thing to happen.
I was standing in his way, and he has always been a man on the move.
And so, I got a look.
And not any kind of look.
If looks could kill, the look that Quincy Jones gave me that day
Could have sliced me into strips
Stamped on them
And sliced them up some more.
And this was Quincy Jones.

I kept a weather eye about me all that day, but no long knives disturbed me.

3.
My friends and I gave Neil Gaiman a book that we had written;
He sold us six copies of his latest;
He didn't have to pay for ours.
All four of us inscribed our books
Four names on several fly leaves.
Of course, we three were under no comforting illusion that our gesture changed his world
But Neil Gaiman gave a gift: A story of our own to tell.

But I still think that he read our book.
And liked my story best.


Note from the author:
If you want to know which of these three stories is the lie, seek me out and ask me. I promise I will tell the truth. Twice. And tell you what the lie is. 

National Poetry Month Day #12: I Hate Ken Jennings

I Hate Ken Jennings

Ken Jennings: Hate his guts!
There's no way you can stop me.
I hate it when I hear his name
There's no way this could not be!

Ken Jennings: What a putz!
I mean it! This is personal!
I don't resent his brains or style,
But still: Ken Jennings? Cursable!

Ken Jennings: Standing there
With insults I regale you!
I want to shave your sandy hair
And black your eyes of pale blue!

You spent four months on Jeopardy
That's almost eighty shows.
And every time I'd see you,
I'd want to break your nose!

Contestants vie behind the scenes
To get a place on Jeopardy
There's a wait list, and, when Ken was on,
The fifth name down was me.

The wait list has a use-by date
And yes, you must have guessed it
My time came up while Ken was on,
And up was how Ken messed it.

Ken Jennings: Watch your step
And never cross my path.
I got all your answers right
And you earned...do the math.

National Poetry Month Day #11: Little Known Epistles

St. Paul's Letter to the Grammarians
Dear Grammarians,
Have you ever noticed that you never see a homophone by itself? They always occur in groups of two or more.
Yours sincerely,
St. Paul
PS: You asked for an example of apostrophes in action, to form a contraction, using the future tense. I'll follow up in a separate letter.

St. Paul's Letter to the Physicians
Dear Physicians,
Heal!
Yours sincerely,
St. Paul

St Paul's Letter to the Dalmatians
Dear Dalmatians,
Heel!
Yours sincerely,
St. Paul

St. Paul's Second Letter to the Grammarians
Dear Grammarians,
He'll.
Your sincerely,
St. Paul

The Grammarians' Letter to St. Paul
Dear St. Paul,
Sentence fragments? Bad idea!
Sincerely,
The Grammarians

Nationsl Poetry Month Day #10: Make a mistake

Make a mistake
An excerpt from the unpublished self-help book 
Lessons for Windows, the Mac, and Life

Make a mistake.
We all make mistakes
But we can often undo them with ease.
Here's how:
Hold down the Control key.
And press Z.

If that doesn't fix your mistake,
You're probably using a Mac.
Hold down the Command key.
And press Z.

If that doesn't fix your mistake
You're probably making your mistakes in real life
Among living things and solid objects, with real consequences.
So you're probably screwed, at least for a while.

Hold down your feelings of frustration.
And press on.

We all make mistakes.


National Poetry Month Day #9: Reflections on cars




A TOYOTA'S A TOYOTA

BUT

SUBARU .... U R A BUS

Friday, April 10, 2015

National Poetry Month Day #8: Virginia's Not In Sheep's Clothing

What's my alter ego? Can you guess?
Off to the lighthouse every day I ran
The full moon changed me--Oh my dear Lord, yes!
By night, I am Virginia Wolff Man

Then a man--or a woman--breaks down like a child
Changes gender, and ages, and size
Claims, somewhat later, she's born to be wild
Virginia Steppen-Wolff, arise!

A feminist icon with full metal claws
The only mutant that Bloomsbury's seen
A heavy growth of sideburns around the jaws
Don't mess with Virginia Wolfferine!

Yes, Virginia was as strange as you could ever get
The hero-monster-tragedy of the Bloomsbury Set

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

National Poetry Month Day #7 A Sweet Treat

A Sweet Treat

First you ionize acid from coal tar
Orthosulphobenzoic, by name
And depending upon what your goals are
The powder you'll have is your aim
Three hundred times sweeter than smack--you win!
You just synthesized yourself saccharine!


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

National Poetry Month: Day 6 - ALL THAT

This is the most sincere and abject love poem I could conceive of: One in which the lover reduces himself to the level of a mere commodity for the benefit of the object of his desire. The narrator places the beloved first in all the world, and squarely relegates his own self to the role of subservient. And yet by catering to the every desire or need of the object of his affection, the narrator has an ulterior motice: If he is in the center of her world, she can hardly get away from him, now can she?

In short, this poem described a mental illness that can only be described as romantic love. And it's called "All That."

I’m glad we decided to write our own vows
So I can pledge to you, my almost-wife:
I want to be your sewer line
’Cause of what it takes out of your life
I’ll be your ark of gopher wood
And save you from the Flood
I’ll be your healthy liver
And purify your blood
I want to be your Chapstick
And soften up your lips
You know what I want to be: All that, and a bag of chips


I want to be your escalator
Not some lousy stair
I want to be enlightenment
So you can be aware.
I want to be the mortgage
That lifts you out of the gutter
I want to be the margarine
You can’t believe isn’t butter
I want to be the hybrid car
That takes you down your road
You know what I want to be: All that, served a la mode.


I want to be the scrubbing bubbles
Cleaning up your tub
I want to be the Cheese Wiz
In your Philly cheesesteak sub
I want to be your Aquanet
Solidify your hair
I want to be the chloroplasts
That freshen up your air.
I want to crack perpetual motion
I would never stop.
You know what I want to be: Can’t buy it in a shop.
You know what I want to be: The penny has to drop.
You know what I want to be: The cream of that damn’ crop
You know what I want to be: All that, with a cherry on top.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

National Poetry Month: Day 5 - A sonnet in Shakespearean format

CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN

In strides the mighty hero Hercules
His lion skin coat is famed throughout all lands
For like the snakes he fashioned into sleeves
He strangled the beast he wears with his bare hands.

The skins of buffalo, and deer, and bear
That gave their lives that humankind may live
The tribes of north America would wear
Acknowledging their sacrifice, and hoping they forgive.

Enter now a priest of Dionysus
A leopard skin all draped across his back
The creature's former strength daily arises
And grants the priest the power he may lack.

In this spirit I shall bring Goodwill to readers great and small
For Goodwill's where my garments come from, shoes and socks and all

National Poetry Month - Day 4

The best of three collaborations with Julia, with occasional rhymes supplied by Paul.


Forty pounds of confections in hand
Conceptual art is so grand
You can take a piece now
So you'll understand how
It's like drawing your life in the sand




Saturday, April 4, 2015

National Poetry Month - Day 3

#1
The three-day weekend starts today
It's not as long as people say
The company provides my phone
My nights, weekends, and Easter aren't my own



#2

Of course I'm a mere poetaster
But I don't think that that's a disaster
I shoot for a rhyme
And I hit, half the time,
And my meter is that of a master



Thursday, April 2, 2015

National Poetry Month. Day 2: A NIGHT AT THE SYMPHONY





The symphony: Beethoven's Third.
The sublimest rendition I've heard.
The crowd screamed "Bravo!"
Except me, you know:
It was me that called out for Freebird.



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

National Poetry Month: Day 1

To commemorate National Poetry Month, Questionable.info author Matt Lake has undertaken to write a new poem every day and slap it online on our forum. Because he's primarily a nonfiction writer, don't expect much. But expect something. Probably in limerick form. Like this, the inaugural outing--

DEATH BECOMES A LIMERICK

"KNOCK KNOCK" came a voice with no face.
"Who's there?" I enquired into space.
"DEATH" he replied.
"Death wh-?" Then I died,
Thinking, "Damn! But that joke's in poor taste."


Monday, January 26, 2015

Descent into Madness - a winter's tale

From a forthcoming compilation in Questionable.info's catalogue, here comes a dark true story that came into sharp focus exactly 19 years ago today, on 26 January, 1996.

Brace yourselves...it's going to be a bumpy ride.


Descent into Madness
A Winter’s Tale by Matt Lake


The snow began falling all over the east coast of the United States on January 6, and it didn’t stop until most of the major towns and cities were buried under two feet, with drifts routinely topping 30 inches. For two days huge flakes dropped from the sky, or were blown by fierce winds into drifts deep enough to bury cars. In Philadelphia, people were banned from the streets as plows pushed walls of compacted snow into the rivers--there was nowhere else in the city that could accommodate such a huge volume of the stuff. The Schuylkill and Delaware began to mutate into slow-moving channels of slush.


Nobody had ever seen the city and its surroundings like this. Even the near-legendary March Superstorm of 1993 paled by comparison. And that had happened quite recently: This snowfall would soon be known as the Blizzard of 1996, and it formed the backdrop to a murder so significant, Delaware County and the U.S. legal system would feel its repercussions throughout the next two decades.


As January wore on, the east coast was battered with a second snowfall, followed by a sudden surge in temperature that melted mountains of plowed snow into a wash of salty runoff. And then it poured down rain for days. People throughout the Delaware valley were tired, wet, and miserable, and they could hardly wait for the month to be over.


Finally, the last Friday of the month rolled around. At 2:45 that afternoon, in Newtown Square, in the northernmost reaches of Delaware County, the 57-year-old owner of the old Lisiter Hall Farm climbed into his Lincoln Town Car. With his security guard in the passenger seat, he drove off his property and onto Goshen Road. He took a left onto Route 252 and after a quarter of a mile, turned back into his property down a narrow access road, until he reached the small house occupied by his 36-year-old tenant Dave Schultz and his family.


Dave was working on his own car as the Lincoln pulled up. He turned to see the driver’s side window of the Lincoln wound down, and his his landlord and employer John E. du Pont, leaning out. He greeted du Pont with a cheerful “Hey, coach.” Without a word, du Pont, raised a  357 Magnum revolver and shot Schultz. “You got a problem with me?” he asked after the first shot. Then he shot two more rounds at his victim. The final bullet entered Schultz’s back.


The security guard Pat Goodale leapt out of the car towards Dave as du Pont put the Lincoln into gear and drove back towards the mansion that his grandparents had built on the estate sixty years earlier, as a wedding gift for his parents. In his rear-view mirrors, the security guard was rushing to Dave’s aid, joined by a soon-to-be-widow, Nancy Schultz, who had witnessed the entire episode through the kitchen window.


Du Pont drove his Lincoln round the semi-circular driveway to the door of the classical mansion house at the heart of his estate. He entered the building, found his secretary, and said “If the police show up, don’t let them in.”

For those of you who have seen the 2014 movie Foxcatcher, the scene will be familiar. According to John du Pont’s defense attorney, Thomas Bergstrom, Steve Carrell and Mark Ruffalo enacted that event in a way that was both dramatic and entirely historically accurate. The rest of the movie tells a compelling story, but confuses the historical narrative so much that it’s worth clearing up a few details.


“The crucial frame in the movie occurs in 1996,” Bergstrom explained in an address he gave to high school students on the 19th anniversary of the shooting, “The frames before that occurred in 1988. Du Pont’s mother died in 1988. He killed Dave Schultz in 1996, and there is an 8 year gap. And if you’ve seen the movie, you haven’t a clue as to what happened in that 8 year time period.”


In short, after his mother died, John descended into insanity. He had been mentally ill for years--his only marriage ended in 1983 after less than three months, because in that short time he had tried to stab her, strangle her, push her into a fireplace, and throw her from a moving car. So John’s mother Jean employed staff to keep a close watch on him from that point onwards, and despite a mounting series of eccentricities, she managed to keep him largely out of trouble.


That control lasted only a few years, however. By 1988, John had fallen from favor at the wrestling program he sponsored at Villanova University, reportedly because of sexual advances he made to athletes and coaches. So he started to plan a training camp on his family’s estate. His big hope was a man he had hired at Villanova, Mark Schultz, the younger brother of the man he would ultimately kill.


Things unraveled rapidly in the summer of 1988. Jean du Pont died a month before the Summer Olympics, and Mark Schultz fell far short of winning a gold medal in Seoul, placing sixth. On their return from Seoul, Mark quit du Pont’s team, and left du Pont’s estate, which was still operating under the name Lisiter Hall Farm. When John took over, he renamed the farm after his father’s stables: Foxcatcher Farm. This was a significant choice: His parents had divorced when John was two, and he chose to honor his father with the name change. His mother’s family had been the brand name of the old estate: Her maiden name had been Jean Lisiter.


Foxcatcher Farm was very different from its previous incarnation as Lisiter Hall Farm. Fences and checkpoint gates and strict security became the order of the day. What had previously been a country estate was fast becoming more of a compound. And in the face of these extreme security measures, rumors began to fly. They said around town that John was getting weirder than he had ever been before. He drove cars into the lake on more than one occasion. He bought a tank to drive around the estate, and equipped it with a fifty caliber machine gun. He dealt with a den of foxes on the property by blowing it up with dynamite. He hired crews to move around the large field stones that littered the property because their random placement was throwing the land “out of balance.” They said that his love of birds was taking a strange turn, and that he wanted to be called Eagle. Some people even spread the rumor that he had built a huge bird’s nest in the mansion that he would sleep in.


This was the setting in which John du Pont shot Dave Schultz. The police knew how heavily armed du Pont was, so they weren’t about to knock on his door and burst in. So they called him on the phone instead. They got very little sense and no cooperation from him, so he remained under siege in the mansion for two days, until the authorities cut the power to the mansion, and ambushed the man as he slinked out of the building to fix the heating.

At this point, the story took on two separate narratives. As far as the prosecution was concerned, du Pont was upset with Schultz’s plan to quit the Team Foxcatcher and take up a coaching position out of state. He flew into a jealous rage, and killed him in the kind of spoiled child tantrum that screamed “If I can’t have him, nobody can!” As far as the defense was concerned, du Pont had built an elaborate fantasy world in which Schultz represented an enemy of the United States. In his own twisted way, killing Schultz was the only logical thing to do. The only thing that the prosecution and defense could both agree on was the obvious: John du Pont was out of his mind.


But it was only after his arrest that the extent of his illness became clear. He fired his defense attorneys after a few months because he was convinced they were conspiring to kill him. His new attorney Thomas Bergstrom successfully petitioned for a competency hearing, but by September 1996 had publicly stated that he had still not successfully completed a coherent conversation with his client.


“John’s delusional system, his paranoia, was in full bloom,” Bergstrom said, “It was impossible, impossible, to communicate with this man. The first problem I had was ethically trying to determine how can I possibly represent this man who hasn’t a clue as to why I’m here, why he is where he is, and what are we gonna do about all this.


“The problem with John was that John believed that he was a prisoner of war, and that the military should take over and try this case. And he would be exonerated because of his status as a prisoner of war.”

Only after months of psychological treatment in Norristown State Hospital building 51, the forensic unit, where he was medicated with Haldol (“somewhat against his will,” as his attorney described it), was John deemed competent to stand trial.


The trial began about a year after the crime occurred, in late January 1997.


“This was not a whodunit,” said Bergstrom, “There was never any doubt in anybody’s mind that John killed Dave Schultz. The question was always “Why did John kill Dave Schultz?””

“John didn’t want to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. He did not want me to raise the insanity defense. John believed that Dave Schultz was a Russian agent, that the entire Soviet army would be in Newtown Square, and that there would be the war of all wars. That John’s property was holy ground. That John alternated between being Jesus Christ, the Dalai Lama, and the last heir to the Russian throne. Up to the time that he died, he believed that he had to kill Schultz because Schultz was going to kill him.”


“So the delusions that danced in his head continued,” Bergstrom said, “He was so delusional and so paranoid that he had Pat Goodale his security guard, and his agents, literally install barbed wire inside the walls of his house, because he thought that people were crawling around inside the walls. He dug tunnels under the house to find the people who were trying to get into the walls of the house. That was John du Pont.


“It’s hard to convince a jury of twelve people to find “not guilty by reason of insanity,” because the jury believes that “Well, if we do that, he’s going to wander out some day and kill somebody else, so they are loath to find that verdict. After Hinckley shot Reagan in the early 80s, most legislatures in this country passed a bill that permitted “guilty but mentally ill,” and that’s the compromise verdict we got.”

With a verdict like that, John du Pont could have been sentenced to between 20 and 30 years; he was actually sentenced to 13 years. He went to Crescent State Prison in the middle of the state, where he stayed, medicated and treated, for almost the entire length of his sentence.


To this day, his attorney believed this crime could have been avoided.
“All John needed was that therapy and that medication. Would he have rejected it? Yes, early on, but when the medication takes hold, we saw it in the case…John got better. Did he get well? No. Was he ever going to be well? No. But he got better.”

“I think that if John’s mother had lived, none of this would have happened. She paid for a friend to monitor him and watch him. When she passed away the bottom fell out of things. His mother was gone. His friend was gone. There were all these people who were feeding his paranoia with the barbed wire and the razor wire and the tunnels. And guns, and everything else. It was awful. Awful. There was no doubt what was going to happen. It was inevitable. Fifty caliber machine guns on tanks. It was nuts!”

As it was, John du Pont reached the age of 72 on November 22, 2000, medicated in jail in Somerset County. He was awaiting the end of his sentence, but on December 9th, two weeks before the shortest day of winter, he died.

The farm where all this took place had undergone changes during that time. He had ordered many buildings to be painted black during his incarceration. And the Olympic pool house he had built on the property had been drained, and its roof had fallen in. The greenhouses were overgrown and collapsing. And the property had been divided. Part of it had became a school campus a few years earlier. The remainder was carved up a few years later for development into a McMansion farm. In 2013, many of the original buildings were demolished after their contents had been removed and sold at auction.

Before the bulldozers came in, I was given a rare opportunity to visit the property. The gates were to be unlocked to allow farm equipment to be removed, and I was given twenty minutes’ notice to make a tour of Foxcatcher Farm before it became the Lisiter McMansion village. So I had to borrow a camera and act fast. Of course, the camera battery gave out before long, so most of my tour is just a memory. But the most unsettling part of the whole trip--in fact, the part that made me run from the property quickly with a chronic case of the heebie-jeebies, was in that Olympic pool house. The structure was in ruins by then, with the roof fallen in and debris everywhere.

But at the far end of the building was a work of art that caught my eye. Along the entire wall was a beautiful and largely intact mosaic. It portrayed a variety of Olympic athletes competing at their sports. As I ranged from left to right, I saw a sprinter, an equestrian, a swimmer, and a host of other athletic men in training. At the right end of the mosaic was a man holding a hand gun--practicing the Olympic sport of pistol shooting. Directly in front of him, instead of the pistol target that the Olympic sport calls for, was one last Olympic athlete, a fencer, thrusting into the firing line.

Within two weeks, the mosaic, the training facility, the greenhouses, stables, and even the Lisiter mansion itself had been razed to the ground and bulldozed away. That was in 2013, which already seems a long time ago. Shortly after I began writing this narrative, I went for a hike through the property, starting down the access road John du Pont had driven his Lincoln Town Car. I walked past athletic fields, construction vehicles, and at the end of the road, a cluster of upper-middle-class homes. But even behind the veneer of civilization, it’s not hard to remember that this was once the home to a tank, a team of wrestlers, an arsenal of firearms, and at its core, a mind unhinged by madness.


Copyright (c) 2015 Matt Lake. All rights reserved.