National Poetry Month Day #15: Pleased to Meet You

I’m the saboteur who slipped the fly into your ointment

I was the man on the grassy knoll

I’m the engineer of your every disappointment

I’m the chunk of grit inside your breakfast roll

Every time you slip up on the steps to your apartment

I’m the one who placed that patch of black ice for your shoe

When your promotion went to that young dunce in your department

I’m the one who shredded all the paperwork from you.

Every time you lose your purse, your keys, or peace of mind

Look no further for a culprit: I’m the one you’ll find

I helped out the Nazis during World War Two in Sweden

You’ll never see the Antichrist and me in the same room

I was the serpent in the Garden of Eden

In the Land of Oz, you’ve seen my flying monkeys, and my broom

Every time your miss your bus on a cold and dismal day

I’m the one who hacked the weather app on your smartphone

And wound the driver’s clock ahead to speed him on his way

And you thought it was sunny and you left your coat at home.

I do research all day long and lie awake at night to scheme

Of yet more ways to make your waking hours a bad dream.

Please allow me to introduce myself

I’m a man of cruel taste and growing wealth

I’m the man who sold the world the Elf on the Shelf

And a billion other ways to ruin your health:

I designed the DMV

The IRS, CCTV,

Those leaky cups that spill your tea

Deficiencies in Vitamin B

Each ozone-pounding CFC

Billy Ray Cyrus (and Miley)

That car ahead doing 23

Your own car’s lowest MPG

The pundits on Fox News TV

Star Wars (Episodes I through III)

Who’s behind all that? It’s me!

Every time you feel like balling up an angry fist

Direct your punch at me ‘cause it’s the reason I exist.